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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26808757">all he's known</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emma_Cresswell/pseuds/Emma_Cresswell'>Emma_Cresswell</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:41:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>492</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26808757</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emma_Cresswell/pseuds/Emma_Cresswell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>An examination of Nikolai's experience with love.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>all he's known</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Nikolai Lantsov had never known love. That elusive state of being he’d fought and clawed his way through life to achieve. The rakish charm and cool composure that made Nikolai were the results of his constant vying for approval from his family. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And maybe they had loved him once. But Nikolai never saw much past his mother’s charmed smile or his father’s rare nod of respect. Vasily was, well, Vasily. Nikolai doubted his brother had to fight for a scrap of love like he did. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They only ever saw him as sobachka, the little puppy who was meant for a good parlor trick and the occasional playtime. The love the palace at Os Alta had to offer was cheap like a poor man’s bottle of brandy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t until Dominik that Nikolai learned what kinship was. True, unfiltered friendship. But even that ended with Dominik’s blood in the dirt at Halmhend. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then there was Sankta Alina. Beautiful, tortured Alina. Nikolai thought he had it right this time. What he felt for her was more than just adoration and respect. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As it turns out, Nikolai didn’t love her. He had just wanted someone who understood that ache, that darkness, his heart fostered. Alina knew of it. Perhaps if she had stayed, they would’ve healed together and come to know love. In those lucid moments as the winged monster, Nikolai saw Alina’s heart break for him. But those moments were tainted with pity in her dark eyes. Alina knew darkness, but even she couldn’t begin to unravel Nikolai’s burden. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nikolai assumed he was destined for a life of solitude as he watched Alina slip away, lost to the title of sainthood. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then came Zoya, with her fiery temper and enough passion to fuel an army. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If she pitied him, she hid it well. Zoya had no problem speaking her mind, matching Nikolai’s stubbornness with ease. She was beautiful and fearless. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The ache Nikolai felt for her wasn’t the sense of wanting to be liked, a feeling he’d grown so accustomed to under his father’s rule. It wasn’t a desire for understanding, like Alina. What he felt for her was something else entirely. A desire he had to shelve for the sake of royal duties, but not one he could ignore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Perhaps she felt it too. Nikolai sometimes wondered if she was caught in that flutter of emotions. Even Zoya slipped up, a softened gaze in Nikolai’s direction, or the ghost of a smile tugging at her lips. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And yet, here it was, laid before Nikolai. A Darkling’s return and an unexpected marriage plan. An unavoidable fate for his kingdom hanging over him, and a roaring darkness inside him that wouldn’t be contained. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But even for Nikolai’s inexperience with love, he could swear he saw Zoya’s hope fade as he announced he would be taking Ehri to wife. Perhaps Nikolai wasn’t as lost in matters of the heart as he thought he was. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I don't even necessarily ship Nikolai and Zoya, but this just kept nagging at my brain until it was written. Hopefully worth the read as well :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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